User:	homeless_wino
	Date:	2010-01-04 18:47
	Subject:	Episode # 70 – ‘Drinking and Driving’
	Security:	Public

Hey guys! Look! It’s the future!! Yet still no jetpacks. Fuck this. Let’s just hope 2010 is a LOT better than 2009 if you had a 2009 like mine. In any event, I’m temping at a new place starting today so I don’t have necessary permissions for access and a lot of folks are still on vacation which is why I’m able to write this. If I’m absent from this blog for the next couple of days it’s because I’m trying to make it seem like I’m a hardworking, productive team member before I slide into full-on laziness. Bear with me. Anyhoozitz, today’s episode is awesome because it’s the second SBTB episode to deal with substance abuse. Now, why you may argue that you really have to go out of your way to become addicted to caffeine pills you can buy at 7-11, no one is questioning the addictive and life ruining properties of big daddy booze. We’re talking beer and how one, JUST ONE, can of brewski can ruin everything. EVERYTHING!! You’re goddamn right you’re paying attention now. It’s Ian Mackaye’s favorite episode: Episode # 70 – ‘Drinking and Driving.’

This episode begins with homecoming in full swing as denoted by the nearly 3,000 banners proclaiming it’s ‘homecoming time’ decorating the halls of Bayside. 2,999 appear to be created by Lisa who is in an 11th hour crunch to secure her spot as Bayside’s homecoming queen. Considering Kelly is no longer with us this episode, Lisa is officially Bayside’s hottest female so her winning is probably a lock. Lisa is badgering Zack, Tori and some random bimbo for their vote which they promise to give her if she promises to stop putting up signs because the paint fumes are starting to make orgies happen. Slater, Screech, and Ox (Bayside’s oafish, trusty linebacker with a heart of gold and the brain of Kelly) round the corner discussing Ox’s sweet party that he’s throwing that night (a school night no less!) because his parents are out of town. Now, I know the gang cut it pretty close a lot of times but I’m going to leave you with one word to chew over as you read on: Icarus. We cut to The Max where Lisa has clinched the homecoming crown. So besotted with homecoming-ness is The Max that Tori throws rose petals at her feet. Seriously. I’m sure that was a come on. Anyway, Slater joins them at their usual booth. He has been party planning with Ox and another random football jock. They’re having trouble figuring out a theme for the party. Seriously. I bet Slater has coordinated napkins and tablecloths ready to go however. Tori glances over at the two football guys drinking ketchup, giving each other noogies , and engaging in all manner of bromancy shenanigans when she suggests a “toga” party. Quick question for those of you who went to “real” colleges: did you ever attend an actual toga party? They’re made up right? Like, they exist purely in movies? I’m fairly certain that’s the case. Anyway, this suggestion allows every red-blooded male in the vicinity to begin chanting “toga! Toga!” which is par for the course. So we’re suddenly at the party at Screech-oops I mean OX’S house, ahem, and everyone is dressed in the requisite toga bedsheet. Even Tori who ,in not really getting the point of a toga party, is wearing a toga over her leather jacket. Look, the more covered up Tori is, the more tolerable she is as far as I’m concerned. Zack’s spitting game to one of the eight billion blonde and enhanced girls that attend Bayside when Ox and other jock-ish dude roll in with a tub of beer. How Ox can forget the party was supposed to be at HIS house but successfully score multiple cases of beer in California while being only seventeen is anyone’s guess. He could be a savant! Slater, not wanting to look like a king kong pussy in front of his teammates, is the first to crack one open under the crushing weight of peer pressure. Zack rolls with this using the logic that, hey!, they’re seniors! Yep, four years of fooling Belding is hard work! It’s Miller time! Lisa gets served her beer in a champagne glass by someone who says “long live the queen” (um…pssst…you guys aren’t in school anymore! Her title is meaningless!). The two teetotalers in this equation are, of course, Screech and Tori. Screech refuses on the grounds that “even drinking cough syrup makes me dizzy.” Wow! The world’s first Robo-trip caught on tape! Way to sneak that one past the censors NBC. Tori is just a bitch who, after seeing all her friends gradually getting toe up, just bails. 1.) Party foul. 2.) Shit, I mean, even Charles Manson and Hitler would probably at least OFFER their underage drunk friends who drove there a ride home. Not Tori! Feeling the effects of an all Budweiser and nachos dinner, the gang wants to leave. Because they don’t trust stone-sober Screech with their lives, Zack slurringly assures everyone he’s totes cool to drive. Whasamaddayou?? Well, as predicted, the gang careens along a pitch-black, vacant stretch of road in Lisa’s mother’s hot Datsun, screaming “Wild Thing” (orig. version) at the top of their lungs. Zack keeps swerving all over the place while often turning his head around to shout at those in the back seat so it’s no surprise when they smash headlong into a telephone pole.

The next scene takes place in hell. Psych. We’re in the garage of Zack’s house looking at Lisa’s mom’s fucked up car. Tori, while not cool enough to drive them home, was nice enough to spot them a few hundred so the car could be towed. Zack’s cell obviously had amazing range for the time considering they were in the middle of goddamn nowhere. The gang is freaking out about what to do when Zack’s dad (now sporting a very Treat Williams like beard) wanders in. Note he wasn’t so much concerned with why his son was just getting home at 3am on a school night and why they are all dressed in togas but rather, what was all the commotion coming from the garage? They explain to Zack’s dad that they swerved to avoid hitting a dog and hit a telephone poll. Zack’s dad, assessing minimal personal damage since no one’s bleeding from the ears, says that Lisa can keep the car there and that he’ll go call her mother and tell her she’s okay before going back to bed. But, wait a minute, Lisa’s mom ain’t home! Now blind sober and thinking incredibly lucidly, Zack intercepts his dad by having Lisa call his house from his cell pretending to be her mother. Zack’s dad can afford to get his son a cell phone yet not have caller ID? Whatever. Zack’s dad tells Lisa pretending to be her mom that the kids are cool, she can leave her busted up car there, and what are you wearing? Just kidding. The next day the gang is HUNG-OVER. Tori and Screech are gloating that they had no part in the gang’s drunken misfortune and are patting themselves on the back for being smug, judgmental assholes who wouldn’t no a good time if it was about to be fired off of a teen sitcom in a few episodes. Slater walks in, much less hungover than the rest of them on accounta all the ‘supplements’ he most likely takes, and announces that it’s going to cost $1,000 to fix the car. Actually, if they swipe a water pump from the never-locked auto shop, it’ll only cost them about $500. Plus some extra $$$ for his mysteriously aching arm. They send Screech of all people to grab the water pump. Zack’s keen sense for making money in the most convoluted way possible kicks into overdrive and he grabs the first nerd he sees and tells him that there would be no better way to express his love for his nerd girlfriend (you’d think having a girlfriend would get you out of being a nerd? Alas) than to have a message to her printed across Slater’s jersey so everyone can see it when he’s ruling the football field during the homecoming game. Ten bucks a letter. After some coaxing by Tori, the idea appeals to the nerd and Zack and Slater set out on their letter selling campaign. Lisa suddenly remembers she forgot to call her mother this morning (how Lisa didn’t drunk dial her the night before is a small miracle. Had that been me at the party, mom would have been awoken to someone farting in the phone at 5am). Lisa and her mom talk and her mom tells her how proud she is that Lisa is homecoming queen and how much she loves her and all the things you don’t want to hear from someone whose car you just wrapped around a telephone poll.

The next day, though the gang wouldn’t let him drive, they DID trust Screech enough to have him commit minor larceny. Belding busts Screech with the water pump but Lisa and Tori save the day by shoving Slater’s football jersey, now adorned with countless messages of love, in his face. Though temporarily blinded by the pretty uniform, Belding does see Slater walk into school with his arm in a sling. Yep, that niggling pain curly Conan was feeling was actually a separated shoulder. Jesus! How much juice is this dude on??!! Belding asks him what the shit he did to his arm and Slater says he injured it at practice. Belsing then placates Slater by saying he did his best and that even though he won’t be able to play in his final Bayside game, he’s still an example to everyone else. Belding walks away and Slater basically begins audibly sobbing. At The Max later that afternoon, it’s the homecoming rally. Lisa is there wearing 4 billion sequins and a tiara and Belding, after extolling her virtues for much, much too long, says she is to make a speech. Out of nowhere, Lisa’s mother appears. Lisa mumbles and bumbles a three second speech. Zack’s panic at Lisa’s mother’s return is temporarily put aside when the nerd he sold messages on Slater’s jacket to demands his money back since Slater is no longer playing in the game. Zack pleads poverty so the nerd just straight up grabs his cell phone as payment! Dude! You can’t do that! That thing needs a wireless plan and you’ll have to break Zack’s contract!! Ahhhh! The fees!! Zack nearly weeps at the loss of the phone he’s had since Jr.High (come on, a sixth grader with a cell phone in 1986?? No way) and curses his rotten luck. Tori pipes in about how this wouldn’t have happened if he didn’t drive drunk. And probably, you know, thought of a better plan to make money. Lisa’s mom also wants to see her car so the gang stalls and says it’s at Zack’s place being washed and waxed. We go to Zack’s garage where, shock!, the car is fixed (at least the exterior damage is) and it has been washed and waxed!! Her mom tries to start it but the engine won’t turn over. Zack freaks out and says the car wax must be clogging the fuel injection! Listen, I know very, very, very little about cars but I still know that’s made up malarkey. Zack gets Slater to agree and Lisa’s mom almost buys it when Zack’s dad walks out and says that the car looks great what with having been in an accident and all! Oh noes! Busted and still apparently concussed, Lisa gives up their story and, for some idiotic reason, also mentions they were drinking. Why the gang couldn’t have just said they got into a car accident and totally left out all the booze they drank I don’t know but, look, someone’s gotta learn a lesson here. Lisa’s mom drags her home and tells here there will be no homecoming queen type things for her and that’s she’ll probably get punched in the mouth later. Zack’s dad tells Slater to go home and tell his dad everything before he calls him. Slater, obviously thanking his lucky stars that he can just tell his dad he was in a normal accident and leave out the booze, wishes Zack “good luck.” Now it’s Zack’s dad’s turn to do his patented soliloquy to his son. The whole point of Zack’s dad is to show up for three episodes, make an epic speech, then head out on business for the rest of his life. Good deal. Anyhow, Zack’s dad begins acting his bearded heart out. His dad tells him blah, blah, blah he could have been killed..crippled…decapitated, etc..all for what?? BEER!! That monster. He then asks Zack what he thinks his punishment should be. Zack suggests a grounding but the dad compounds it with taking his car away for a long time as well. Harsh. They walk off arm in arm with the dad knowing Zack has learned his lesson and Zack hoping his room doesn’t get searched later. It’s harder and harder to keep weed hidden these days.

	User:	dancingshoes
	Date:	2009-12-31 00:16
	Subject:
	Security:	Public

yes. this.

http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2009/12/29/making-my-mothers-christmas-cookies

	User:	you_are_a_radio
	Date:	2009-12-30 23:57
	Subject:	Common Purpose
	Security:	Public
	Mood:	contemplative
	Music:	"Time to Pretend," MGMT

Common Purpose
Originally uploaded by maggiejisgo

	User:	homeless_wino
	Date:	2009-12-30 17:44
	Subject:	Episode #51 – ‘S.A.T.S’
	Security:	Public

Okay, this wasn’t the episode that they showed this morning at 7:30 am on TBS. That episode was the (final) senior prom episode. Unfortunately, not to get too graphic but last nights dinner of a deluxe cheeseburger and a few beers required my attention again this morning if you catch my drift. Rather than trying to piece together the episode from the few snippets I was able to overhear through my bathroom door, I figured I’d write about an episode I’ve seen a bunch since I happen to have it on my computer. Don’t flatter yourselves people, I have eight hours to kill and if I didn’t do an episode analysis, it would be a very, very long day for yours truly. So let’s get into it and see how the wacky world of SBTB deals with the terrible, unfair world of standardized testing. Episode #51 – ‘S.A.T.S.’

This episode is very near and dear to me because the career trajectory I’ve chosen involves me taking a LOT of these $@#!^’n standardized tests. I fucking suck ass balls at standardized tests. Not to toot my own horn, but I’m fairly top loaded in the brains department. Just look at how I’m able to seamlessly weave words like “asstarded” and “dicksuckly” into these blog entries without it feeling forced. Sure I ate Play-Doh until I was seven but, fuck you, so did Issac Newton! Regardless, my grades have always been immaculate but my scores on things like the CAT’s, the EWT’s, the SAT’s, and the GRE’s would have you believe I still need to wear Velcro shoes. It’s made for a lot of explaining on my part when asked by administrators at schools I would like to attend how I can have both the academic record of a Rhodes scholar and the test scores of an autistic four year old? I keep telling people that these tests have no real proven, predictive validity and that like all standardized measures, they only really work if you’re, you know, standard everywhere else. Any small bit of variance and the scores tell you jack shit about the person. They’re really supposed to gauge how well you are expected to perform in your first year of school so the institution can determine whether or not you will be a waste of their resources. In fact, what the tests really measure is how well you take standardized tests. Look, I know three people who got above 1500 on their SAT’s. Two of them dropped out of college halfway through their first semester and moved back in with their parents to pursue their dreams of becoming alcoholics. The other one eventually got a Ph.D. Conversely, I know TONS of people with sub-standard scores who kicked ass all over their schools and are doing quite well for themselves in their academic careers. With potential admission to a Ph.D program currently hanging in the balance for me, you’ll have to excuse my vitriol if I’m less than kind to Zack Morris and the education system in America in today’s entry.

This episode begins with Zack complaining to the fourth wall about having to come to school on Saturday to take this bizarre test called the SAT??!! Fuck you Zack Morris, you know goddamn well what the SAT test is and you also know that you don’t HAVE to take it! In fact, you normally have to pay money for the privilege of taking it!! Also, you don’t take it at your high school!! Also x 2, the test is not administered by your goddamn principal!!! Arghhh!! I probably would have gotten a 1502 as well had I had as many advantages as Zack already has (oops..spoilers). Anyhow, Mr.Belding tells the kids that the SAT is the most important test they will ever take, that it determines the rest of their lives and to, you know, relax. No pressure. Fuck you too, Belding! Zack’s bitching is curbed a bit when he gets to sit next to Hey Dude! star and future Mrs. Ben Stiller, Christine Taylor. The gang begins taking the test. Jessie is dashing through the test as if there’s some bonus for completing it in record time. She daydreams about acceptance to Stansbury (normally Jessie talks about going to Stanford but considering the representative from Stansbury we meet later is a total stuck up cunty bitch, the writers probably didn’t want to get NBC sued for libel so they invented the fictional Stansbury University –“The Harvard of the West”) as Kelly looks on in amazement as she’s barely figured out how to open her test booklet while Jessie is already rounding question 547. A few rows back, Slater is questioning whether or not his breakfast choice of twenty or so Hostess products was really a smart one after all as Zack just randomly fills in circles on his answer sheet while eye fucking the shit out of the back of Christine’s head. In the next scene we get a rare on screen caption that informs us it’s “several weeks later” and the gang has convened at The Max to open their SAT scores. Always up for demeaning each other in public, this academic dick wagging contest starts with Screech who got a 1220 (See! See! Screech can explain cold fusion using Barbie dolls but can only bag a 1220 SAT score!!?? Suck my ass ETS!), Kelly gets an 1100, Lisa gets an 1140 (I guess Kelly spelled her name wrong?), and slobbering, idiot Slater gets a mere 1050 (thank goodness for blue chip rules and sports scholarships). Zack lets Screech open his as he figures he probably got a 750 or something. Turns out he DID get a 750 (pause) IN MATH!! He also got a 752 verbal giving him a combined, improbable score of 1502. The gang’s minds are blown and the scoring of the SAT is immediately called into question but since preppy’s bleached blonde brain eeked out a 1502, resident genius Jessie must have gotten like a 4 million and five or something right??!! WRONG. Jessie gets a pitiful 1205. So long Stansbury. In the interest of full disclosure, the first time I took the SAT I got a 1080. One Princeton Review course later I got an 1180 on my next go around. I just made the 100 point improvement guarantee so the Princeton Review people did not have to refund my parent’s money. I appreciate it anyway mom and dad. In any event, it still comforts me to know that I blew 3 of the Bayside gang’s scores out of the water even if they are the three most moronic characters in the series.

News of Zack’s impossible SAT score has traveled the halls of Bayside far and wide. Christine rolls up to Zack and congratulates him on his score as well as breaking the standard sitcom gang paradigm by becoming both the looks AND the brains (though you may think Screech is the wild card, I still maintain it was Jessie). She also asks Zack, since he’s apparently a genius, if he could help her study? Zack cranks it up a notch and invites her over to his place that night for a study date. Christine agrees as Zack turns to the camera and lets us know that “it looks like my score is going to help me score!” This is also the first time that Zack, if I’m contextually interpreting the word “score” correctly by the standards of early 90’s slang, has straight up told us he’s fucking. We’ve always assumed he was banging the broads he went out with but the show never goes beyond showing or implying a bit of heavy petting at the most. Here he blatantly tells us that thanks to the privatization of testing services in America, in four hours Melody from Hey Dude! will be determining the length of his hypotenuse using her mouth. Once again, fuck you Zack Morris. Meanwhile, no one wants to fuck dum dum Jessie. She’s trolling the halls dejectedly when life sees it fit to kick her while she’s down as a blonde bimbo brags to her she got a 1280 on her SAT’s and that Jessie must have done like so much better like totally for sure right!!?? Jessie lies to this moron and then tries to flee Bayside as every other person seems to want to talk about nothing aside from what they got on the SAT in hopes that, like Zack, it’ll make them hot property as well. Unfortunately, the only place to run to is the college fair taking place in the school’s gym. The gang is all there because, shoot, it’s a free pass out of class most likely. Christine’s already got her hands halfway down Zack’s pants when Belding walks in and, metaphorically, sticks his hands in Zack’s drawers as well, announcing to the entire school that he’s “Mr.S.A.T!” He basically kicks Jessie out of the line to introduce Zack to the Stansbury representative, Ms.Billingham. This crotchety old bag gets moist in the loins when she hears Zack got a 1502 SAT score. She says he sounds like Stansbury material. Belding also puts in a good word for Jessie and her straight A average as well as her litany of extra curriculars. All Ms. Blillingham wants to know is what her SAT score was. Jessie says 1205 and Billingham all but throws up on the Stansbury table. She then tells Jessie that there’s probably a lot of other schools with “state” or “tech” in their names that would be glad to accept someone as fucktarded as herself. Billingham then continues verbally blowing Zack, paying no mind to his D- average, mountain of suspensions, multiple absences, and general lack of dress sense. It’s all a numbers game kids. That night, the best day if Zack’s life keeps right on rolling as he prepares for his study date. He’s picked out a completely hideous sweater, he’s got the lights dimmed, some music on, and anal lube within arms reach. All systems are go! Christine arrives and suggests they start by reviewing math but Zack, who never learned how to read, says forget that and the best way to study is to first be super relaxed so he offers her a shoulder massage. Christine hesitates but then Zack reminds her of his awesome SAT score so she goes with it in hopes that you can contract intelligence the same way you can VD. Zack has almost unloaded in his pants when in walks Christine’s super tall and super old boyfriend. She tells Zack she invited him over. Zack’s bummed but clearly, even with a 1502 SAT score, preppy can’t read between the lines about what Christine’s trying to do here. Pssst..Zack! She wants to see how two can go into one if you catch my drift! Why else didn’t her large boyfriend stomp the shit out of Zack when he basically walked in on him finger banging his girlfriend? The only answer I can come up with is that, in lieu of homework, he has a camcorder and a ball gag in his backpack. I digress.

Later at The Max, Jessie is STILL moping about her perfectly adequate SAT score. Kelly tells her to not worry so much but, then again, Kelly plans to sleep her way to the top and the only test she’ll ever need to pass is a pregnancy one. Suddenly it looks like Jessie’s luck is about to change when who should walk in but Ms.Billingham. Jessie shrieks ‘I KNEW you’d change your mind!” Billingham has no idea what this tall man in a wig is going on about because she came to The Max to talk to Slater. Apparently, Stansbury’s football and team and dimple department both need some help and they’d love to have AC join their ranks. Jessie cannot believe her shitty luck this season and runs out of The Max. Slater mentions it’s a good thing he didn’t tell her Billingsworth offered him a car! (blue chips baby! Nick Nolte!) Zack storms into The Max with no doubt the bluest balls imaginable. His plan to stick his dick in a milkshake is interrupted by waiter James making his second appearance in the series. He’s working at The Max again because he fucked up his audition for Julius Caesar when someone yelled “Caesar!” and he responded “with or without anchovies!?” Tsk, tsk James, never take your work home with you! Anyway, James needs a gig and since Zack failed to hook-up, he settles for the next best thing which is conning his best friend into an ivy league school. The next day Slater distracts Jessie while Zack sneaks James, dressed in a mustache and sweater vest and also visibly drunk, into the college fair. James is pretending to be a representative from Haaaaaaaaahhhhhhvaaahhhhd. He sits next to the Stansbury table where Ms.Billingsworth proceeds to start sucking him off when he smacks her dick craving mouth shut with the announcement that he’s only here to talk to one student, Jessie Spano. Billingsworth doesn’t know who that is but James assures her that she’s the best of the best and that Harvard does not fuck around about who they let into their hallowed halls and that you best come incredibly wealthy or in the 99th academic percentile. Jessie walks in and James gets nutty extolling her virtues. Ms.Billingsworth suddenly looks at Jessie as if she’s a Chippendales dancer covered in frozen yogurt and is now VERY interested in seeing her application. Because Jessie is the only non-retard at Bayside today, she instantly sees the Harvard rep is James and that the only reason Stansbury is interested in her is because Harvard is. She thanks her friends for trying to help but that if Stansbury won’t look at her well rounded academic record then she doesn’t need to go there! Ditto Slater! Ditto Kelly! Ditto Zack! Screech asks for some brochures before being dragged out. Meanwhile, Belding is meeting with Zack. His record shattering SAT score has shown Belding the reason Zack has performed so piss poorly in all other academic areas is clearly because he’s not been challenged enough! Belding, using illegal means, liberally re-arranges Zack’s schedule so he’s in mega-hard classes. How Bayside can offer advanced Russian yet can’t afford to host a prom is anyone’s guess. Zack’s in trouble but because James seems to always offer two for one deals on his acting, he gets James to pose as a representative of the SAT board resplendent in a blazer and fake beard. James, still drunk, slurs to Belding that Zack should be rewarded with less homework, fewer classes, and possibly a car. Zack and James cannot keep it together in this scene that’s basically James screaming gibberish as his fake beard keeps falling off. Belding agrees to give Zack his normal schedule back plus less homework. Zack wins again! He leaves Belding’s office and runs into Jessie who tells Zack she’s finally come to grips with her poor score and is confident things will work out for the best. Ooooooh, how wrong she is. Someone remember to ask her at the ten year reunion how Kyle Maclachlan’s dick tastes. Zack says he really doesn’t care anymore, gives Jessie his nerd textbooks that he no longer needs and heads off to presumably meet up with Christine and her boyfriend for round two. That’s the 99th percentile of sexy if there ever was one!

	User:	homeless_wino
	Date:	2009-12-29 18:18
	Subject:	Episode #65 – ‘The Bayside Triangle’
	Security:	Public

Oh, we got a good one today. We get to see hideous early 90’s fashions, Screech physically fighting, the supply room of The Max, and hot, interracial love making. Sort of. Who knew getting into F.I.T could be so hard? Let’s get going with it. Ladies and gentlemen, the strangely titled Episode #65 – ‘The Bayside Triangle.’

The episode opens up with Zack playing an INTENSE game of Galaga at The Max. He’s so into it that when Kelly comes by with a free Coke for him, he grabs it and looks at her with such disdain for breaking his concentration that you seriously think he’s going to deck her! Quickly, someone play A12 on the jukebox to calm him down!! Anyhow, after losing his video game Zack turns to the camera, flustered, and says ‘the best thing about senior year is that you don’t have to come back next year!!” Uh…okay preppy. Settle down. He then goes over to join the gang at their booth where they are discussing college plans. Zack says that by this time next year he expects to be living in a sorority house. Uh…Yeah, Zack goes on about it for a few minutes and basically, his idea of a sorority house is like cross between Caligula’s palace and an Asian massage parlor. Slater likes the idea of ordering women to suck his dick and cook him eggs while he studies for his poli sci class but we all secretly know that Slater loves the notion of living with a bunch of women because it means that many more shoulders to cry on and that many more people to lend him tampons. Screech walks in and tells the gang that this is the year he’s gonna finally hook up with Lisa. He even bought her a present that wasn’t at one pint alive. He can change!! Jessie tells Screech to give it up (where Violet got to this season is anybody’s guess). Screech tells Jessie he can see her adam’s apple which is pretty fucking hysterical and mean. I guess Elizabeth Berkley had given her two weeks notice to the SBTB staff at this point so the writers had no qualms blatantly pointing out the obvious which is that, before Showgirls, Elizabeth Berkley looked like a pre-op tranny wearing a Big Bird costume. Come on, tell me I’m wrong? Lisa skips in and announces that a recruiter from F.I.T (that’s the NY based school the Fashion Institute of Technology which, being totally honest, is about as hard to get into as Devry, and I would know as I went to its sister school, SVA) is coming out west to interview her. It’s cute how they make getting into F.I.T the equivalent of getting an internship in Paris with Oscar De La Renta…uh…I mean, monster trucks! Football! WWII!! Zack, once again showing his flair for the complicated and convoluted, suggests Lisa host a fashion show for the recruiter. Hey! Anything to avoid studying I suppose. Screech then presents Lisa with his gift. A locket that belonged to his great grandmother (I guess the same one who had the stolen spaghetti sauce recipe so it’s probably safe to assume this locket was most likely taken off of a freshly buried corpse) with a picture of him inside. Okay, all jokes aside, that’s a legitimately sweet present. It’s no surprise then that Lisa begrudgingly takes it after shitting all over it and verbally abusing Screech for a good five minutes. Love is in the air people. At Bayside, Zack is organizing the living shit out of Lisa’s fashion show. He puts Kelly and Jessie in charge of sewing. When Jessie protests, Zack claims it’s because the dudes have to take care of building the stage, and finding a place to put the show on, and spot welding, and all kinds of other man type stuff! Slater looks legitimately bummed that he’s not gonna get to sew but Zack assures him that part of their man duties will be to interview potential models. Ooooh! Slater gets to gossip with some girls over coffee! Yayyy! Screech keeps trying to insert himself into the action to help Lisa out with the hopes that she’ll let Screech insert himself into her later. Wisely wanting to avoid acid being flung at the F.I.T recruiters face, the gang, in the nicest way possible, tells Screech to stay as far away from this fashion show as he can.

That night Lisa is in some room of her house where she keeps her three drafting tables. She’s pasteling the hell out of a sketch when Zack emerges from some other unspecified room dressed in a Lisa Turtle original. Again, for reference, I STRONGLY encourage you to Youtube some early 90’s r&b videos to see how the entire goddamned country had zero fashion sense at the time. It was like zoot suits meets the bad part of an acid trip. Look, I can barely get jeans and a t-shirt going but I would sooner walk the streets wearing just a thong and gas mask (which is my standard church going outfit) before I ever put on any of the outfits Lisa designs in this episode. Apparently, Lisa’s unifying theme for her collection was brown. And lots of it. Zack’s shirt looks like a mess of fall leaves stapled together and draped over his chest. His pants are this four sizes too big, mustard yellow thing that Lisa tops off with a maroon vest and a multi-colored patchwork blazer. Yeah, it’s that fucked up but was no different than what Ronnie Devoe walked the streets wearing at the time. The canned audience track howls with approval. Zack tells Lisa that he was able to talk the manager of The Max (isn’t that Jeff?) into letting her use The Max for her fashion show. Zack’s inexplicably intense commitment to Lisa’s fashion show melts her sassy heart and as a thank you for all his tireless work, they share a brief kiss. Cue Stevie Wonder. The next day Lisa is gossiping to Kelly about Zack. Even though they’ve been broken up for over a year at this point, Kelly still seemingly goes out of her way to get other girls interested in Zack. Kelly is nothing if not a martyr for love. She’s also dumb as rocks because she’s stuck inside a dress that Jessie sewed incorrectly. The mere fact that Kelly attempted to put on a dress that blatantly had one of the sleeves stapled to the waistline demonstrates both her tenacity and her simple mindedness. Jessie said it’s not her fault that just because she (allegedly) has ovaries, she’s expected to know how to sew. This statement is made more salient when she reveals that she’s also sewed herself to her sewing machine. Doh! Also, the dress Kelly is stuck in is a flower pattern with zebra striped sleeves. No snaps for you girlfriend! That night the stage is all set for the fashion show at The Max. We’re backstage which conveniently doubles as The Max’s supply closet. It contains four boxes of Styrofoam cups (that Jessie just allows to exist unharmed), a ladder and a broken sink. Presumably the kitchen staff getting high off of whippets are just off screen. Lisa is freaking out but the gang assures her that all will be well. They head out but Zack hangs back a minute as he wants to address him and Lisa’s kiss from the night before. Uh, Zack, maybe you could wait until AFTER Lisa’s big fashion show where the fate of her college acceptance hangs in the balance to talk about their JV-Othello-ish love affair? Anyway, they both agree that that they rocked each other’s worlds and Zack wishes Lisa good luck one last time and they kiss again. Right when Screech walks in wearing a tuxedo and holding a dozen roses. Whoops! Screech drops the roses and runs off. Oh yeah, Screech kept hassling the gang for a part in the fashion show so they relented and let him announce the outfits. Zack wrote all the copy (man, preppy is producing the hell out of this thing!) so he calms Lisa down by saying all Screech will have to do is read what’s on the cards.

The show begins and out walk Kelly and Jessie wearing red plaid sports jackets and leg warmers wrapped around their heads. Screech, having just witnessed his best girl and his best friend getting it on in a filthy restaurant sink, takes advantage of the fact that there’s a mic in front of him as well as an audience of fellow students and Mr.Belding, to incorporate his heartbreak amidst talk of what fabrics Lisa uses. For instance, Slater comes out wearing a varsity jacket that’s nine different colors, shit-colored corduroy pants, and huge Italian leather boots which Screech said Lisa uses to stomp all over his heart. The recruiter from F.I.T looks confused (probably because she can’t figure out why SHE had to fly out west to see some girl put a fashion show on in a run-down restaurant when the normal admissions process usually involves the APPLICANT coming to the school with some sketches) but puts on a brave face as this train wreck of a show proceeds. Zack walks out next wearing another hideous blazer and pants that are half yellow, half brown patches. It’s really screwy. Screech says “here’s Zack, my former best friend who stole my girl and everything good in my life and I hate you and wish you were dead!!” And that was a direct quote! Screech storms off. Later, the gang, still being forced to wear Lisa’s expertly tailored clown clothes, are commiserating about the botched fashion show. Lisa is getting tears in her outfit which looks like she skinned a flamingo and is wearing its hide when the recruiter from F.I.T approaches her to tell her that while her shitty fashion show may have sucked, she knows good fashion when she sees it and though Lisa may have the exact opposite of good fashion sense, their school has quotas to fill. Welcome aboard! Lisa rejoices. Belding fawns over Lisa before saying he has to drive the recruiter back to the airport. Why is Belding doing this? Given how shipshod his school is run, I guess ANYONE gaining admittance to ANY school can only reflect positively on Bayside High. The next day Screech steps to Zack in the hallway and says he’s going to beat his monkey ass by the willow trees after school. Zack says there are no willow trees in California. Screech says then they’ll meet by the oak trees but, regardless, he’s gonna pull his (alleged) monster dong out and beat Zack’s teeth in with it so get ready! The funny thing is, Zack seems genuinely afraid of what Screech will do to him. Hey! This is a kid who built a fully operational robot capable of independent thought in his spare time!! How long do you think it would take Screech to whip up a raygun that could shoot aids? Zack pow wows with Slater about what to do before Morris exclaims ‘I know what I have to do.” Later, the entire school has gathered in the hallway to watch this dweeb vs. prep battle take place. Though nowhere near the oak trees, the two warriors meet. Zack tells Screech he doesn’t want to fight and that could they maybe just go get some chocolate covered insects and talk instead? Screech calls him a liar AND a coward and slaps Zack’s books out of his hand like a bitch! Zack reiterates his stance on non-violence to which Screech responds by making a bunch of fucked up sounds and then ripping part of Zack’s shirt in a very geometrically sound way. Come to think of it, Zack’s shirt also gets ripped when he fights Slater this season too. In fact, it’s the same goddamned shirt! Zack is like those battle damage He-Man figures. Everyone in the crowd starts to holy shit as things have just become real when Lisa steps in. She gets up in Screech’s grill to tell him that she’s never liked him, he was always creepy, and making a big scene because she’s suddenly gone white boy hazy is fucking asstarded so knock it off already! Screech accepts this reasoning and wishes Bayside’s first inter-racial couple his best as Preppy and Turtle walk off hand in hand to explore their newfound relationship AND each other’s bodies. This relationship lasts approximately until the end of this episode and is never spoken about again. We can only assume that once things got going in the bedroom there was most likely some size discrepancies and I’m fairly certain the phrase “hot dog in a hallway” was probably bandied about as well. Not wanting to embarrass each other to their friends they probably took a blood oath in Lisa's bedroom that what happened in Lisa’s bedroom, stayed there. At least until Lisa, having flunked out of F.I.T two weeks into her first semester, shows up at California University and begins to gossip to Leslie. I’m sure, had the College Years continued, the writers would have worked Zack’s tiny penis and poor love making skills into the plot before giving him leukemia or something. Oh well, we can always dream.

	User:	homeless_wino
	Date:	2009-12-28 19:02
	Subject:	Episodes #58 & 59 – ‘Home For Christmas parts 1 and 2’
	Security:	Public

Merry belated Christmas everyone! How was your holidays? Just kidding. Like I give a shit. My ears finally unclogged and I spent the past four days drunk and wearing the same pair of underwear (Santa brought me no new pairs this year but he did hook a brother up with some much needed socks). Because I’m so full of Christmas cheer (AKA: alcohol, candy, and eggnog) here’s my Christmas present to you courtesy of TBS who apparently have been running the same two episodes all week long. Episodes #58 & 59 – ‘Home For Christmas parts 1 and 2.’

This two-part special extols the virtue of selfless giving around the holidays and details just exactly how far Zack will go to get laid. The episode opens with the gang chilling at Zack’s place. Because this is a special we get a peek at a little more of the cavern of aching loneliness that is Zack Moriss’s house. His living room contains a fireplace (in southern California? Really?), one couch, one chair, and yards upon yards of drab grey carpet. Who the fuck did the Morris family hire to decorate? Ingmar Bergman? The gang is stoked that they have two weeks off of school. Zack’s mom asks them all what they plan to do? Because Kelly is dirt poor she got a job at a men’s store at a mall to buy her family some clothes. Hope you like these Chinos sis! Jessie got a gig at the mall taking pictures of kids with Santa though the sight of children makes her vomit a little. She claims that though she hates kids with a violent passion, she loves the eight dollar an hour salary. Who’s the anarchist in the group again? Slater got a gig in gift wrapping, confident he’ll perform exceptionally because, quoth Slater, “I’m good at everything I do.” Seeing an opportunity to humiliate his good friend in public, Zack chimes in “not according to the women I’ve talked too!” Bah humbug preppy. Lisa, because she’s rich as shit and doesn’t need to work, is volunteering at the children’s hospital where her parents work. Zack’s mom, already kinda flighty from her early afternoon bong hits, remarks of Lisa’s selflessness, “often the best presents are the ones you don’t have to wrap.” Cue The More You Know rainbow and me puking on the ground. We never hear what Zack plans to do but I assume a lot of his vacation will be spent wondering where his father is and, more importantly, what’s that strange smell coming from the chimney? The next day at the mall we see Slater crudely wrapping a gift for a lady. All finished, he tells her “I’m sure your daughter will love the champagne glasses.” Seconds later, the glasses fall out of the bottom of the package and shatter on the ground. Slater begins to profusely apologize (come to think of it, wouldn’t the fault of this accident lie more with whomever it was that boxed up the champagne glasses?) as the woman screams ‘that was the last set!” and begins to choke Slater with a bit of ribbon. Instead of calling the cops on this psycho, Zack rushes in and saves Slater by offering Slater’s money to the woman. This lady doesn’t think twice about taking Slater’s wallet before storming off. Slater thanks Zack and says that this is a rough job because ‘I’m making $4 and hour and spending $40.” Even for 1992 I’m pretty sure four bucks an hour was well below minimum wage. Anyhow, we cut to Jessie who can’t figure out why her yelling and all around shitty attitude won’t get this kid to smile for his picture with Santa. She finally resorts to telling this kid that if he doesn’t smile, Santa ain’t bringing him shit this year. Jesus! The kid rightfully stomps on her giant foot before running off to the mall’s HR department no doubt. As Zack basks in the glow of his poor dumb friends who have to work menial jobs for low wages like animals, he accidentally bumps into this plain jane looking blonde girl and knocks her bag lunch out of her hand. She screams at him and Zack offers to help her collect her lunch which consists of an apple. He says that’s not much of a lunch. She says she’s on a diet. Zack, working the Morris charm, says that she looks fine and doesn’t need to diet. The girl, who we will come to know as Laura, just runs off. Smooth ,Zack. Smooth. Zack then meets up with Screech who, in trying to find gifts for the kids at the children’s hospital, has come up with this horrific Chucky-esque baby doll called Betsey Wetsy. Zack, whose head is stuck in Laura-land, says whatever, just have Slater wrap it so he can help him seek out his newfound, apple eating dream girl. Screech has to make sure the doll works so he gives it a squeeze and the doll unleashes about fifty gallons of water on Screech’s lap. Zack and Screech head to the men’s room to deal with the leaking baby doll problem. In the men’s room Zack, seeing no one in the stalls to give the foot tap to, is just waiting for Screech. A bearded dude walks in, notices Screech is soaking wet and remarks that he’s gotten himself into similar situations from time to time. Gross. He also gives Screech the low down on how to shower in a public restroom (people in touring bands, pay attention) and how to use the hand dryer as like a mini-sauna. He then begins shaving. Zack tells Screech he thinks the dude is homeless. Screech makes a bunch of idiotic and insensitive comments. Zack, needing all the reserve karma he can get if he’s gonna find his mystery woman, thanks the homeless dude for the tip and shoves about $300 in the coin return of the men’s room payphone. After they leave the homeless guy greedily shoves Zack’s money in his pants and says to no one in particular, “thanks to you kid, it’s gonna be a merry Christmas.” This man certainly ain’t too proud to beg.

Zack decides to check in on Kelly who’s working at Moody’s Store for Men. Mr.Moody is a Leon Carossi type misanthropic grump who hates the holidays almost as much as he hates the army of hot girls he has working for him. Zack talks to Kelly for a second before Mr.Moody threatens to fire Kelly if she doesn’t shut the fuck up and get back to work. Zack then sees that his dream girl is also working at this particular store. Covering his usual pick up lines with a greasy layer of holiday cheer, Zack convinces this girl to hang out with him on her lunch break and get their picture taken with Santa. Were this anybody else, Zack’s cheesey come on would have been laughed at but because, as we come to find out, Laura has been living off of Sweet N’ Low packets and dead rats she found behind the Bayside Mall dumpsters for the past few weeks, she thinks this idea is cute and away they go. The budding couple get their picture taken and then Zack treats Laura to lunch where she wolfes down her lunch, Zack’s lunch, half the Taco Bell $.89 menu, and most of a Styrofoam cup on accident. Instead of being disgusted by this human trash compactor, Zack thinks it’s cute that Laura was “hungrier than she thought.” Having numbed her into a food coma, Zack sets about boasting about his recent charity work. He proudly says he gave some homeless dude like a hundred bucks today. Laura says that’s nice. Zack then loses some points by qualifying his donation with remarks that he hopes his hard(ly) earned cash doesn’t go towards booze, or pills, or blowjobs or anything else the homeless love to spend their quarters on. This rubs Laura the wrong way and she thanks Zack for the eighty pounds of food he bought her before running off. Zack’s upset and confused. While we’re lead to believe it was Zack’s insinuation that all homeless people are dick sucking crack heads that turned Laura’s panties into the Ice Capades, I believe it was eating solid food for the first time in weeks that most likely sent her heading for the ladies room. I stand by my theory. With the workday over, the gang is heading to the children’s hospital for Lisa’s sick kid Christmas party. They’re almost out of the mall when the see the homeless man from earlier passed out on the floor. Looks like Zack’s $$$ went to Thunderbird Wine after all! Zack rushes to his rescue and calls an ambulance.

At the hospital, Lisa is helping sick kids (whose illnesses appear to range from terminal brain cancer down to the sniffles) decorate a tree. Sorry jewish kids, maybe next year if you’re still alive. This one dough eyed little sprite asks if he can help. Lisa says he can put the star on top of the tree. The kid tells Lisa that, in addition to being mere hours away from deaths door, he’s also too small to do that. Lisa helps the kid up and he puts the star on the tree. Lisa then gives the kid a kiss (illegal). Then she tells the kids she’s gonna go let Santa in (and to presumably dunk her head in a bucket of Purell). Enter the gang now all dressed as either elves or reindeer. Zack gets to be Santa because, shit, this whole episode is taking place in Zack’s demented brain remember? He gives the kids presents and then says they have to be on their way if they want to beat the snow. This little Webster-lite kid pipes up with “there’s no snow in California.” Zack calls this little shit’s bluff and says “oh yeah?” Then, using some sort of Industrial Lights and Magic type effects, makes it fucking goddamn snow in the lobby of the children’s hospital. Look, he can freeze time. Leave him the fuck alone. Having blown the sick kids sick minds, the gang decide to check in on the passed out homeless dude who was taken to the hospital earlier (maybe Zack will make it rain whiskey for him?) They walk into the dude’s room only to discover Laura already there! What! Yeah, turns out, henry homeless over there is her dad! Ack! Part one ends with a ‘to be continued…’ pasted over Zack’s shocked face (hey! This means Laura is homeless as well! They shared a milkshake earlier! Preppy may have aids!). Because this is a ‘very special’ episode of SBTB, there’s no whimsical, off-camera re-cap of the previous episode by Zack. Instead, we’re thurst right back into the pathos for part-two! Now knowing someone who is homeless sends tidal waves of guilt through the well-to-do gang. They wrench some cookies away from one of the sick kids and give it to Laura’s dad. The dad says thanks. Turns out, he passed out from exhaustion and just needs to eat more. Zack doesn’t hesitate to invite both him and his daughter to dinner. Zack wants to serve her salami. What? Assuming Zack also paid for Laura’s dad’s hospital bill as well (what did I tell you about Zack’s all-consuming desire to get laid?! He’s already dropped like 2K on this broad without so much as a kiss on the forehead), we’re back at Morris manner where Zack’s mom is serving Laura’s dad a fourth piece of pie. Blazed to the high heavens, she remarks it’s too bad Zack’s father isn’t here (seriously, where the fuck is Mr.Morris?? For the love of Christ!! Check the fucking chimney people!!) because he loves meeting “different’ people. OOoooohhhh (grabs shirt collar). Zack catches moms un-PC slip and she apologizes. Laura’s dad says it’s cool, he’s gotten used to being spit on. Apparently, he got laid off from his job, missed ONE rent payment, and they were kicked out of their apartment (who was his landlord? Mr.Moody?). Why Laura’s dad didn’t have savings or a credit card or friends he could hit up for help or applied for government assistance or one of eight million other things he could have done before he and his daughter were reduced to sleeping in their car in the mall parking lot, kinda gets swept under the rug (though it later becomes clear Laura and her dad are actually not homeless but, more likely, professional grifters). The homeless family departs after assuring the Morris family they’ve been more than generous and rebuff their offer of a place to stay because, shoot, the Bayside bus station has more than enough adequate heating vents for them to sleep on I suppose?

The next day at Moody’s Store for Men, Kelly and Laura are word fucking Zack Morris to each other. In between going on an on about how great Zack is, how his hair doesn’t move, and how they’ve both caught him crying from time to time because his father’s never around, Laura mentions she’d like to 1.) buy this swank looking sports jacket for her dad because it’s sure to land him some interviews (provided the interviewer can over look the fact he’s been going to the bathroom in his pants for the past few weeks) and 2.) to be in the mall’s Christmas play that’s apparently being put together by Zack’s mom. Um…Okay? Kelly says, because she’s dumb and oblivious, that Laura should just ask Mr.Moody (who clearly has a delightfully sunny and generous disposition), for an advance on her paycheck AND the afternoon off to be in the mall’s play! Seriously! Go try it! She does and, shock, Mr.Moody lets her have neither the time off nor the salary advance for the jacket and gives her an earful just for wasting his time asking! Cold blooded. At lunch, while finishing off her ninth, seven-layer burrito, Laura sobs to Zack about the unfairness of life and her boss. Zack says he’s had much experience getting old men to give him what he wants and assures Laura she’ll be in that play come hell or highwater or dying of pneumonia because you live in a car!! Zack rolls up to Mr.Moody and after pleading with him to let Laura be in the play because it’s both her birthday, her father’s birthday, Christmas and that she’ll most likely blow him, Zack finally hits Moody in a soft spot – his wallet. He says they’ll litter the nativity story with references to his store if she can get the time off. Thrilled at the prospect of a Moody’s sticker across baby Jesus’ face, he agrees to let Laura be in the play. Not to be outdone by Zack’s generosity, Kelly asks another sales representative to put the jacket Laura wanted to buy aside so she can buy it for Laura. Awwww. She also goes into self-righteous mode and chews Moody out a bit for being so mean to Laura considering her family is dead broke and have nowhere to go. Moody throws his hand up and asks Kelly to read between the lines so to speak. Hurumph! We go to the play which is loosely based on A Christmas Carol only Zack re-wrote the story at the last minute to fit in a bunch of Moody’s references. The gang, having had much experience with Zack’s last minute directorial decisions when it comes to plays or recitals, rolls with the punches as they don their worst British accents. Despite the fact the play was a five minute long ad for Moody’s Store for Men, the audience loves it and Moody cracks a smile which looks like it took every muscle in his body. Back at Moody’s, Mr.Moody discovers his display jacket is missing!! With no employee around to point out that the jacket is right there beneath the counter, he remembers that Kelly told him Laura is homeless and runs to get the cops. Moody and some mall cops get right up in Laura’s face and accuse her of theft and having lice. Laura doesn’t try to get out of it by saying she was in the play at the time of the alleged robbery and that Moody (who’s now “in a very bad moody”) knows this because he was there watching her. He fires her and she flees. Kelly runs out to see what all the commotion was about. Moody proudly tells her about firing the thieving homeless girl on Christmas Eve and instead of joining him in his fit of hysterical laughter, Kelly screams that SHE put the jacket aside because she had to get money as she was coming back to buy it! Whoops! Is Moody’s face red! He puts up with a lot of shit from Kelly come to think of it? It’s amazing what being really hot lets you get away with!

Meanwhile, Zack is scouring the mall and all areas nearby with his huge phone trying in vain to find Laura. Worried she may have gorged herself to death on trashcan cheeseburgers, he finally gets word that her and her dad were spotted in a nearby parking lot where someone is selling Christmas trees. Zack rolls up only to find Laura and Mr.Laura living out of their car (why he didn’t sell the car to make rent and get a bus pass instead, I don’t know? But I digress). Zack insists that both of them come and stay at his place and that he’ll be so generous as to even let Laura share his bed. Later, back at Morris manner, the whole gang is hanging out because I guess all their families hate them or something? Laura and her dad are really sucking the Moriss’s off for being so generous. Mrs.Morris says she talked to her absentee husband and that he’s cool with them staying until they’re back on their feet and that it’s even cool if Laura’s dad should happen to sleep with Mrs.Morris since she never signed the pre-nup. Kelly and Mr.Moody stop by as well (what were they doing together?? Ewwww!) and Kelly presents Laura’s dad with the jacket she bought him (I guess her own dirt poor family is fucked for presents again this year?) and Mr.Moody offers an apology to Laura and lets her have her job back. And please don’t sue. Merry Christmas. With the homeless problem solved, Laura’s dad shows off his other talent aside from ruining lives which is tickling the ivories. He leads everyone in a rousing rendition of that feel good Christmas hit “Silent Night.” After three-thousand dollars, begging, borrowing, negotiating and all but getting his dad to give Laura’s dad a job – Zack finally gets a kiss on the cheek. Man, even in his delusional fantasies where Zack sees himself as this white knight crusader for good, he can’t get his game right. If a girl whose dinner has been old coffee grounds and apple cores for the past several weeks won’t immediately fuck you in a shopping mall bathroom, I don’t know what to tell you buddy? Maybe him and Slater could work something out? Assuming for a moment this scenario WAS real, again, it’s obvious Laura and her dad were pulling a huge scam on the Bayside gang. The dad’s story is in no way believable and the fact that they managed to bilk so much out of these wealthy idiots thanks to liberal guilt in such little time is a testament to the fact that they have probably done this many times over. It’s a shame we can’t go to Valley’s mall next year and see Nedick and his family fall for the same shit. I know. Bah humbug on me.

	User:	homeless_wino
	Date:	2009-12-24 21:18
	Subject:	Episode #46 – ‘The Last Weekend’
	Security:	Public

Hey guys. I’m gonna have to make this brief because 1.) I’m outta work at 2 today and 2.) I cleaned my filthy apartment last night so I wouldn’t have to come home from my folks place to a dank pit of despair and was rewarded for my troubles by waking up this morning to discover my sinuses clogged to shit no doubt from all the dust and crap kicked up while I was beautifying my apartment. It feels like someone is squeezing my head while jamming their fingers in my ears. Merry Christmas indeed. Also, TBS did me no favors by showing the Christmas themed season 3 episode at 8:00am when I was heading out the door so, instead, you guys are gonna have to deal with another journey to the center of Zack’s mind. Episode #46 – ‘The Last Weekend.’

Ahhhh…it’s been a long, crazy, fake summer at Malibu Sands beach club but, like all made up things, it has to come to an end. The episode opens with Mr.Carossi telling the staff that they need to step their game up for the resort’s closing weekend so guests will want to return next year. That means no more jerking off into the towels, Screech. The staff doesn’t mind this because end-of-the-season also means crazy tips from the guests!! Mr.Carossi says, oh, btw, the club is going to take 10% of your tips. The staff balks because, well, that’s MEGA-MAN illegal. Even Stacey Carossi looks at her dad as if to say ‘why don’t you just mug them in the parking lot tonight instead!!??’ So Leon backs down. The staff disperses but Stacey says she needs to speak with Zack in her office. She chews Zack out for something on the way there but as soon as the door’s shut, boom, make-out time. Zack’s rounding third when Mr.Carossi bursts in and tells Zack to get his blonde hands off of his daughter! Stacey yells that she can do whatever she wants because, well, legally she’s eighteen and can do whatever she wants. Mr.Carossi disagrees and says neither of them are allowed to be near each other ever again. Stacey throws a bitch fit. Leon yells. Finally, Stacey says she’s running away (i.e. going to stay at Lisa’s place with the rest of the girls, two doors down from where she’s currently staying with her father). The Carossi’s proceed to storm off in separate directions. Back on the beach, lifeguards Kelly and Slater are lamenting that no one’s on the beach. Slater actually says he’s bored because “no one’s drowning.” Yikes. Suddenly, a Frisbee hits Slater in the head. He doesn’t know where it came from (which is odd because, as he just said, there’s no one on the beach) but Kelly happens to notice there’s a note attached to it. The note is from Slater’s secret admirer who’s been watching him all summer and wants to finally meet him. Instead of calling the cops on this psycho, curly Conan is flattered. Not to be left out of the love game, an 11 year old kid approaches the pair and says a fight is breaking out down the beach. Slater, always looking for an excuse to beat the love his father never gave him into someone, takes off. Having tricked the idiot, the kid says he lied and was just looking to get Kelly alone. He tells her she’s fine as shit and as soon as he has his first wet dream he’s gonna tear her shit up like Bernie Madof did tax forms (gross and topical). As Slater returns, the kid gives Kelly his card with instructions to “call him.” Let a creepy, underaged player play I suppose. Kelly, having endured years of the same from Zack, thinks the kid is cute.

Back at the club, Jessie is working on designs for the staff-built sandcastle which is part of the final weekend festivities. Zack and Stacey walk in, Zack snatches the plans from Jessie and says, “I have a better idea. Let’s have the staff AND the guests both build this.” Him and Stacey sit on the lobby loveseat and figure out how to improve on all of Jessie’s hard work. Mr.Carossi marches in and screams at the couple for disobeying his ridiculous orders to never be seen together. Stacey storms off. Zack tries to stick up for her but Leon tells him to back down or he’ll be fired. Considering he’s only going to be employed by the club for another four hours he calls Carossi’s bluff. Carossi storms off. Later that day the gang is hanging on the beach just about to start the staff-guest sand castle build of friendship and togetherness. An old lady rolls up to Slater and says that she has to leave but she very much enjoyed having him around this summer. Before she gives him her tip, she asks if he could “do that thing I like again?” Slater obliges and begins posing as the old lady visibly has her first orgasm in thirty odd years. It’s gross. She gives Slater $50 for his trouble and waddles off back to her loveless marriage. Kelly rolls up as Slater brags about his tip when she counters that the woman’s husband gave her $100. Lord knows what Kelly had to do for that? Shudder. Kelly’s 11-year old crush marches up and basically says to her that because his parents are here, their bungalow is empty if she catches his drift!? Kelly says, ewww, and that she can’t date him because he’s just a ‘little boy.” This ruins the kid’s life and he flees while weeping. Pussy. As the sandcastle building gets under way, Mr.Carossi walks by and asks Zack whose idea it was to get everyone together for a good time? Zack says it was Stacey’s. Carossi says it’s a shitty idea and that he hates it and he hates his daughter and then storms off again. That night, Zack and Stacey are enjoying a post-coital chat in Stacey’s tricked out Jeep. Open top Jeep Wranglers were THEE car to have in the early 90’s. If you don’t believe me, Youtube any rap or r&b video from that time period and you’re bound to see a bunch of fresh-faced youngsters dressed in Cross Colors clothing, gallivanting around in a jeep. Off the top of my head, check out Shanice’s “ I Love Your Smile” video (the one she made for the 90210 soundtrack) for a quick example. I mean..uh..metal and shit…grrrr…manliness, etc…Zack is worried because it’s their last night together and Stacey’s head is somewhere else aside from buried in his lap. Zack tries to get her to forget the fight with her dad with a headlight-lit slow dance to the most 80’s song imaginable. It doesn’t help. The main source of her sadness is because she doesn’t want the last time she sees her dad for awhile to end in a fight. Hold up? Stacey’s parents are divorced and Stacey lives with her mom? I mean, it’s completely understandable given how horrible Leon Carossi is but you’d think they would have dropped this bomb earlier? In any event, Zack tells her not to worry because he’s sure everything will work out. Now could they at least maybe do some hand stuff?

The next day Jessie is dealing with the kitchen staff. Oh yeah, I’ll probably get to it when I write about the other Malibu Sands episodes but Jessie is put in charge of the kitchen staff solely because she speaks Spanish. Erm...well...not really... but she’s at least part Hispanic. Mr.Carossi has blatantly filled his kitchen with cheap, illegal Mexican labor and in one episode, they strike and Slater and Jessie have to habla some espanol so the rich white people in the dining room can get their prime rib. This gets brought up again in a pretty funny episode of the College Years when Slater gets hornswaggled into joining a hardline Latino school club and a race war nearly breaks out with bi-racial Slater caught in the middle. Zack’s contribution to cultural sensitivity in that episode?, “I thought he was Italian?” Oh preppy. Anyway, Jessie warns the staff that Carossi is pissed as shit so be cool with him. Carossi storms into the kitchen and threatens to fire everyone because the silverware that just came out of the dishwasher is still wet. Muy gusto. Zack walks into the kitchen to try and calm him down by saying it’s staff photo time. The entire resort staff of twelve goes into the lobby for the photo. Zack makes everyone shuffle around until Leon and his daughter are next to each other. With the photo taking a long time because Zack can’t work the camera (hey! Leave the manual labor to the Mexicans right?), Leon and Stacey have a heart to heart and he agrees that he was being dumb and that it appears Zack is looking out for his daughter after all, not just abusing her for sex like all her other boyfriends have done. Stacey realizes her father loves her and was just looking out for her long expired v-card. Thanks dad! Back on the beach, Screech unveils the fucking gigantic sandcastle that everyone helped build. It looks like Malibu Sands is primarily visited by engineers as this sandcastle comes complete with working drawbridge, self-filling moat, and a multiple, moving guns that shoot flags. Suddenly! A scream is heard from the water. A girl is drowning. Slater, before rushing to the rescue, demands to use Kelly’s binoculars to see if she’s cute or not. Wow! Whether you live or die at Malibu Sands hinges totally on your physical appearance! Sorry uggo! It’s Davey Jones locker for you! Having determined the drowning girl is satisfactorily hot enough and therefore worth saving, Slater plunges into the water. Once he’s close to her she tells him she wasn’t actually drowning but, rather, she just wanted to talk to him alone. Slater inquires why she nearly killed herself to get his attention when he’s been hanging out alone at the beach all summer and she could have approached him at any time? She just giggles. Because she’s hot, Slater overlooks this psycho’s borderline behavior and invites her to the end of the season dance that night. At the dance, the gang is boogieing their hearts out. Kelly spots the dejected 11 year old who’s heart she smashed earlier sitting on the beach obviously contemplating Kurt Cobaining himself. She rolls up to him and explains that she likes him but because she doesn’t want to go to jail, they’re going to have to settle for being friends. Because this is the first time the kid has ever heard this speech (you’ll get it a lot more kid, trust me) he accepts it and they hug. He asks Kelly if he can call her when he’s seventeen and she says sure because she’ll no doubt be dead of old age by then. Slater introduces the gang to his crazy new girlfriend who’s wearing so much makeup she looks like the Joker. The gang says it’s a shame they’re gonna have to get all of their fucking out of the way tonight because the club’s shutting down for the season. Not so! She’s apparently transferring to Bayside to be with Slater. The psycho alarm going off in everyone’s head is suddenly drowned out by the stomping of Mr.Carossi who just showed up to the party. He asks to speak with Zack privately. After an entire summer of abuse at Carossi’s hands, Zack is prepared for the worst. What he was not prepared for was Mr.Carossi breaking down in front of him and saying how wrong about Zack he was, that he would love to have him back next year, that he’s so glad he makes his daughter happy, and that he would like to give him this gigantic envelope full of money consisting of all the tips he ripped off Zack for over the summer. Holy shit! Talk about an about face?? Maybe now would be a good time to re-enter negotiations on that Mustang? Zack, so taken aback by this spectacle, hugs Leon Carossi. Leon then advises him to attend to his daughter (nudge nudge wink wink). Stacey and Zack embrace one last time as she’s about to leave for the airport. They discuss hanging out again on Thanksgiving and over Christmas and all the usual bullshit you tell your summer fling. Stacey departs and Zack walks out on to the beach alone. As he stares at the waves, tears well up in his eyes. While this summer may have earned him a car, a cool birthday party, a deep tan, and a fistful of cash – he would gladly trade it all to be with his true love, Stacey erm..whatshername? Suddenly, Zack’s depression calling them like a beacon, the rest of the gang show up and say “hey Zack, looks like you could use a friend? OR FIVE!!” They all manage to put their arms around Zack at the same time and walk off into the sunset (seriously) together. Reagrdless of what he thinks, he’s never alone! He’ll always have his friends! Hi fives! They’re friends forver! Forever! Forever! Forever! What’s not shown is Zack waking up to an empty house, a ruined love life, and no friends but, rather, another soul-crushing day at Bayside where his status as “top dog” is in severe decline and the only girl who will talk to him is either Ben Stiller’s future wife or the fictional Tori. Hey, at least Slater’s safe from that young, psychotic Denise Richards. There’s always a silver lining preppy! Merry Christmas indeed x 2!
See you guys on Monday.

	User:	heartbreakr
	Date:	2009-12-24 01:16
	Subject:	cos i said so.
	Security:	Public

	User:	homeless_wino
	Date:	2009-12-23 17:55
	Subject:	Episode # 38 – ‘The Game’
	Security:	Public

I’m in a much better mood this morning than I was yesterday. Thanks for asking. That’s a good thing because today we’re packing up our beach towels and sunblock, and heading right into the epicenter of white wealth, Malibu Sands Beach Club. Yessir, season three kicked off with Kelly dumping Zack for Jeff – a move that would send shockwaves through the entire SBTB universe. So devastating was this breakup that it actually spilt the SBTB universe into four worlds. Yeah, I’m gonna go there. Season 3 is bananas b-an-an-as! Here’s my theory on it: we’ve already discussed how SBTB eerily parallels the Twilight Zone both in plot structure, morality, and fast and loose logic. What I believe season 3 is, is a reference to the “Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge” TZ episode. The entire time we think the story is going one way but at the end, we see it was all the death rattle of a man about to be hung. I believe the Malibu Sands episodes, the Zack Attack episode, the Palm Springs episode, and the homeless people in the mall episode are all fever dreams of a broken Zack Morris. Because he can’t deal with Kelly leaving him for an older, wiser, wealthier, seedier man, Zack constructs elaborate fantasy worlds where him and his friends are still united. There’s no time for broken hearts when you have bosses, step-mothers, and the plight of the homeless to fight! Sure Zack ends up canoodling with other girls who are not Kelly for most of these episodes, but in those episodes, Kelly’s cool with it! She’s also never seen with another guy while Zack jaunts around with a new girl every episode. Only 11 of the 26 season 3 episodes take place at Bayside and involve Zack’s heartbreak. More than half the season takes place in these Elseworld type environments where Zack is still king and Jeff never existed. Sorry I’m getting all Jacob’s Ladder on you and making you think David Lynch secretly wrote this season but that’s how I like to believe it went down. You can also extend this alien logic to Tori if you want to view her as a Kelly replacement Zack concocts for himself given that Kelly is in less than half of the season 4 episodes. Hey, if you can come up with a more logical reason the writers shoved a mini-series and a few hour long specials into a normal SBTB season by all means, go right ahead. Until then, let’s enter Zack’s mouth of madness with Episode # 38 – ‘The Game.’

I’ll catch you up on the backstory: There were six episodes in season 3 that take place at Malibu Sands. Malibu Sands is the exclusive, private beach club that Lisa’s family belongs to. They’re the only black people at the club so it’s a good bet Lisa’s rich doctor parents cut the owner, Leon Carossi, a good deal on his first and second triple bypass surgeries. Lisa, being both wealthy AND a good friend, hooks her buds up with jobs at the club while she spends the summer developing skin cancer and ordering them around. Curiously, they are all cool with that? It’s never really addressed but most of the gang appear to have taken the jobs as a way to hang out at the beach all summer while making some extra scratch because we all know it’s only Kelly who legitimately needs the dough for her family of six billion. Kelly is the only one who couldn’t quit Malibu Sands at the drop of a hat and join Lisa on the beach towel which is sad until you remember, this is all in Zack’s head. Oh, vengeful Zack. The two principal additions to the cast for these episodes are Malibu Sands owner Leon Carossi, a short, fat, belligerent man who’s sadistic treatment of his staff would normally be grounds for a shit ton of class action lawsuits and who also gives the gang their first taste of what the real world’s like. I don’t know about you but I’ve worked for many more Leon Carossi’s than I have Mr.Beldings. It’s no surprise that Leon and Zack butt heads from day one. This works in Moriss’s favor because the only person who hates Mr.Carossi more than Zack is his daughter, Stacey Carossi. Played by ‘not-yet-hot’ Leah Remini, Stacey Carossi is the boss’s uptight daughter who gets put in charge of wrangling the staff and settling labor disputes in the kitchen (seriously) so Leon’s free to scream at people and swallow whole cheesesteaks. Zack and Stacey also bump heads at first but by episode six, you best believe they’re bumping uglies. The Morris charm combined with dual hatred of her father wears Stacey down so much she’s putty in Zack’s hands for about half of the episodes. By the end of episode six Zack has gotten a girl, a car, and a sweet ass birthday party thrown for him. What a summer! But, hey, they’re Zack’s delusions after all!

This episode opens with Zack going on and on about “look at the curves on her! The lines! The shape!” We presume he’s sizing up some boardwalk hookers but, in actuality, he’s talking about the sweet ’66 Mustang convertible that’s sitting in the Malibu Sands parking lot with a ‘for sale’ sign on her. I dunno, the sixties was a great decade for American cars but I’ve always preferred the ’67 Buick Wildcat with its longer body and 430 V8 engine compared to the chunkier ‘Stang boasting just a 289 V8. Then again, I don’t know how much drag racing preppy’s planning on doing with this car and for an asking price of only $2,006.52 (yes, that’s the real asking price) for a car that normally goes for $24,000 even in lousy shape, I’d be getting my checkbook out as well. Zack just takes the ‘for sale’ sign as he walks into the club to begin work. What a douche! Inside the club Zack is a waiter. Clearly not happy with just being a waiter, Stacey, in one of the earlier episodes, actually gave Zack the meaningless title of “social director” to keep him happy. Leon wants breakfast so Zack just grabs somebody else’s food and throws it in front of him before wandering off to call the number on the car’s ‘for sale’ sign. I mean, I’m all for doing the least amount of work possible when you’re at your job (see: this blog), but that’s just fucking gross and weird! Zack calls up the car owner on his big ass cellphone and, yep, you guessed it, Leon’s bigger assed cellphone picks up the call. Despite sitting five feet from each other, they jabber jaw for awhile, both oblivious to who they’re actually talking to. Morris mentions he’s in a financial bind because his “jerk” boss ain’t paying him enough. Leon honestly says “I know how that goes!” (being a jerk boss himself, he DOES know how that goes). Zack says he wants the car but could they wheel and deal on the price a little bit? Leon’s just about to when Zack lets his name slip and they both discover the hot dude on the other end of the line has been each other! Zack goes up to Carossi and tries to haggle the price of the car down to an insultingly low $1500 but Carossi, demonstrating a little bit of business sense, says no. Zack’s just about to go apply for a bus pass when in walk the owner of North Beach Beach Club (they’re like the Valley High of beach clubs. It’s where the rich assholes summer.) who wants to know if Leon is prepared to lose their bet on who will win the annual North Beach vs. Malibu Sands volleyball game this year? The bet is $500 and Malibu Sands has lost the past ten years in a row. No wonder Carossi is selling off his assets like hot cakes to the lowest bidder! Leon says he’s not betting this year when Zack pulls him aside and tells him to DEFINITELY bet this year because Kelly is captain of their school’s volleyball team, Slater is all city in four sports (four of those sports not being volleyball) and Jessie and himself are like the mack daddy daddy mack’s of volleyball and they can TOTES win the game for Malibu Sands this year! Carossi is not quite convinced when Zack seals the deal by saying “we’re undefeated!” Who they are exactly and what they’re undefeated in remains to be seen but Carossi, who’s brain is clogged with bacon grease and Ben and Jerry’s, says that sounds good to him and takes the bet with North Beach.

On the beach, the gang is pissed that Zack turned them into the Malibu Sands volleyball squad without at least consulting them first. They quickly see the method behind Zack’s madness when Carossi approaches them about when they’re gonna practice. Zack says before they even think about a volleyball, they’re going to need the afternoons off for practice until game day, Carossi to be nice to them from now on, oh, and knock $500 off the price of his ’66 Mustang. Carossi says ‘that’s blackmail!” (um..it’s actually extortion if you want to get picky about things but really, Zack’s just being an asshole) but agrees to all their demands anyway. We cut to the gang at practice when up walks North Beach’s star players – Tadd and Todd. TT’s love two things: volleyball and sexually harassing Stacey Carossi. They grope at Stacey and insult the gang in the most monotone, script-reading, ‘I have never acted before’ way possible before Zack, who’s always one to get in way over his head, challenges them to a six on two game right then and there. One of the T brothers (let’s say, Tadd) spikes the ball right on to Screech’s head, effectively rendering him unconscious and winning the game I guess? Later that day, Zack and Slater are trying to come up with a plan to win the volleyball game that doesn’t involve hard work and practice and other dumb shit like that. Mercifully, because Zack is one with the zeitgeist and can channel it at his will, in walks the 6”10’ Gary. Gary is tall as shit and asks Zack if he happens to know the hot lifeguard Kelly. I guess Gary needs something to pick his teeth with? Zack says he does and we come to find out Gary is eager to pound out some Kapowski. Zack says he can hook a date up on the condition Gary join their volleyball team. Now, as someone who’s 6’4”, I feel the need to speak for my tall brethren when I say, just because we can’t buy pants does not mean we are automatically awesome at sports that necessitate length on the Y-axis. I learned this the hard way during many summer camp basketball games. My budding sports career ended when I discovered that, in addition to being tall to play sports, you also have to be fast and coordinated. You know what you have to be to read comic books? None of those. Comics won. Gary agrees and Zack hooks him up with a job at Malibu Sands. Carossi objects to this third-party hiring before he sees this new colossus in his too-small Malibu Sands uniform and dollar signs start spinning around in his head. He hires Gary and calls the owner of North Beach to double, nay, triple their bet!! At practice later Gary goes into pimp mode and Kelly, who’s panties dissolve the second she sees how tall this dude is (sighhh..if that were only the case), instantly agrees to go on a date with him. That night in the employee lounge, the gang is chilling and Kelly is trying to crawl inside of Gary’s chest cavity. Carossi approaches Zack and tells him that he tripled the bet. Zack tells Leon to have the Mustang washed, cleaned, waxed and gassed before the big game on Sunday because he doesn’t want Carossi’s daughter to get a yeast infection while he’s diddling her in the backseat. All is well in the ‘Sands universe when the proverbial black hole known as Screech walks in and drops a fifty-pound water cooler on Gary’s foot. The next day it looks like Gary’s foot is broken. Screech shows not an ounce of remorse. Carossi shows up and sees that the star player on his rag-tag volleyball team is injured and asks Zack what he plans to do? Zack has no clue and levels that, without Gary, their team sucks a dick. Carossi tells Zack not to worry because that the worst that can happen if they lose game on Sunday is that he will fire all of them. Because he will fire all of them. It’s a highly illegal win-win.

Totally fucked, the gang meet up at the house all the girls live in to try and formulate a plan. Screech, who has been scouring the streets all night for a Gary replacement as punishment for ruining Gary’s life and the gang’s economic future, brings in three suitors. One is a five year old girl, the other is a ninety year old woman, and the third is a small nerd named “Big Pete.” Lord knows where the fuck Screech ended up walking to but ten to one, wherever it was they most likely also sold snuff films. By process of elimination and not wanting to go to jail on child molestation charges, the gang picks Big Pete to be their new ringer. On game day the gang is huddled up when Big Pete announces he can’t take all this physical activity on accounta his blisters and bails. I guess he’s fired along with Gary (speaking of giant Gary, was the cost of his foot surgery paid for by Malibu Sands? Zack really needs to work on the details of his delusional fantasies)? Oh well, I smell buddy comedy in their future. Almost having to forfeit, Stacey, who’s been watching this car crash of a volleyball team from the sidelines the whole time, says “fuck it, I’ll play.” The game becomes a montage of various cast members dressed in day-glo shirts hitting volleyballs off camera while Lisa and Mr. Carossi wildly gesticulate on the sidelines as if they’re in a Buster Keaton movie. They montage along until the score is tied at 13-13. It’s Zack’s serve. Carossi dangles the Mustang car keys in front of Zack as if to say “everything is riding on this serve” because, well, everything IS riding on this serve. But, hey, no pressure. Stacey, who’s been known to have a thing for the underhanded, tells Todd or Tadd that she’d actually love to get double-stuffed by them later. Tadd responds, “really?” just as Zack’s Gabrielle Reese – esque serve sails through the air and cracks him dead in the skull. Stacey stands over the now dead Tadd and says “never mind – I don’t date losers!” You most certainly don’t Miss future wife of UPS driver Kevin James! You date dudes who win bets and cars and who apparently wax their entire body. Zack and Stacey embrace for a touch too long and the episode ends. Most of the Malibu Sands episodes go this way for Zack. You could argue, so do the regular episodes, but it always seems that the risks if his schemes don’t pan out are much less severe at MS than they are at Bayside and the rewards are always much greater. Zack’s dream life is just his regular life with less consequence. Who needs therapy again?